Sometimes it’s easier to just say nothing, instead of saying “no”

Honestly, the subject speaks for itself.

Sometimes I wonder what last longer, the physical pain after, or the pain from the fighting and distance if I don’t.

IDK how to even label that, the way he acts after (if I don’t have sex, or respond to his gestures for sex).

The worst part is, he is really gentle in the beginning, kissing my back, rubbing my hips. But it only last for a few second, (30 tops), and then he starts getting rough with his hand, and I just freeze up. I wish I had frozen up last night.

Again…. Easier to say nothing, than to say “no”

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Reading….

I keep reading all these blogs and articles that talk about abuse. I do mental check list, “yes”, “Yes”, “yes”, “sometimes”, “yes”.

But I always realize, he doesn’t mistreat me in front of others. I’m thankful for that. But I feel like, I can’t ask for help, because no one will believe me.

Well, day 3 at work, and I’m OK. Broke down crying this morning because I’ve hardly slept. I’m exhausted, but when he comes home at night,  he is anything but quiet.

Sometimes I wish I could sleepy myself on the nights I work, or that he would stay at his parents during the week.

“I’m Proud of You.”

These 4 little words can mean so much.

But when they come from the right person, they mean even more.

Today, step 1- I got the job. I am so excited for this new step. I needed this, I need this. I cannot wait to start rebuilding myself.

He was not happy.

Maybe he things I won’t need him anymore. Maybe I won’t. But isn’t wanting someone better than needing them?

Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to leave. I really do fear what would happen if I ever did.

Two friends told me today, that they were proud of me. I wish I could have hugged them. I wanted someone to hug and for them to tell me how proud they were.

He didn’t. He just said he had no reason to be happy because I was doing this for myself, and not for “us”.

Well, please wish me luck. Tomorrow is the first step on finding myself again, and I’ve never been so excited and nervous at the same time.

Celebration….

I have literally always celebrate your madness.

You have left job after job, never staying longer than a year. But I never criticized you. I made it a point to take you out and celebrate your new job.

I remember when I finally did get a job, even tho I was working with you, you just said you were glad i got hired.

I know your reaction would have been different if it wasn’t working with you.

When you were arrested for DV, I cooked you dinner on your first day home.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Mornings

I remember when I was the first thing youuu reached for in the morning..

In The beginning it made me feel so loved.
Soon it just made me feel like you finally had forgiven me for making you so mad.

Now, if it ever happens, I feel like you’re just saying “I might need something later, so here’s some affection.”

But lately, you grab your phone first. When you turn it on it goes off like a pager. It vibrates for a good 45 seconds with all your text messages and notifications.

I know you thought I was asleep, but I heard.

Now you left, and I really don’t know where you went. But I’ll just believe what you said,so I don’t drive myself crazy wondering.