Tag Archives: abuse

Sometimes it’s easier to just say nothing, instead of saying “no”

Honestly, the subject speaks for itself.

Sometimes I wonder what last longer, the physical pain after, or the pain from the fighting and distance if I don’t.

IDK how to even label that, the way he acts after (if I don’t have sex, or respond to his gestures for sex).

The worst part is, he is really gentle in the beginning, kissing my back, rubbing my hips. But it only last for a few second, (30 tops), and then he starts getting rough with his hand, and I just freeze up. I wish I had frozen up last night.

Again…. Easier to say nothing, than to say “no”

Reading….

I keep reading all these blogs and articles that talk about abuse. I do mental check list, “yes”, “Yes”, “yes”, “sometimes”, “yes”.

But I always realize, he doesn’t mistreat me in front of others. I’m thankful for that. But I feel like, I can’t ask for help, because no one will believe me.

Well, day 3 at work, and I’m OK. Broke down crying this morning because I’ve hardly slept. I’m exhausted, but when he comes home at night,  he is anything but quiet.

Sometimes I wish I could sleepy myself on the nights I work, or that he would stay at his parents during the week.

Celebration….

I have literally always celebrate your madness.

You have left job after job, never staying longer than a year. But I never criticized you. I made it a point to take you out and celebrate your new job.

I remember when I finally did get a job, even tho I was working with you, you just said you were glad i got hired.

I know your reaction would have been different if it wasn’t working with you.

When you were arrested for DV, I cooked you dinner on your first day home.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Mornings

I remember when I was the first thing youuu reached for in the morning..

In The beginning it made me feel so loved.
Soon it just made me feel like you finally had forgiven me for making you so mad.

Now, if it ever happens, I feel like you’re just saying “I might need something later, so here’s some affection.”

But lately, you grab your phone first. When you turn it on it goes off like a pager. It vibrates for a good 45 seconds with all your text messages and notifications.

I know you thought I was asleep, but I heard.

Now you left, and I really don’t know where you went. But I’ll just believe what you said,so I don’t drive myself crazy wondering.

The good things I remember….

I remember how you used to wash my hair in the shower. {I don’t remember the last time you got in with me.}

I remember how you used to rub my feet just because I was cleaning all day. {I don’t think you have rubbed any part of my body in over a year.}

I remember how you used to paint my toes, and even picked out the color. {Once I laughed because you got a little sloppy when you weren’t paying attention, and you haven’t done it since.}

I remember when you would sneak up behind me, wrap your arms around me, and dance me around the kitchen.
{Now when you come up behind me, your silly, and awkward, as if your only doing it for your own amusement.}

I remember when you would cover my ears when an emergency truck went by. {You just watch them drive by now.}

I remember how you would wrap your arms around me if I was crying in my sleep. {Now I wake up to you just saying my name, or, to my own cries, and you not noticing.}

I remember when you would make plans for us, and just tell me when to be ready. {You always ask me if I “wanna do something?” and don’t sound excited. And then get mad when I say, “no, it’s OK.”}

I remember when you took such good care of yourself. {Now you shower ever day, but only brush your teeth if I remind you. It’s as if you don’t want me kissing you.}

I remember when you used to cook me dinner on your day off. {You don’t care what we have anymore, just, whatever I make is fine.}

I wish you remembered. I wish you remembered when you did those things. And I wish you remembered how different things were when you did those things.

Honey Moons Don’t Last

Remember when you went on your first date?
They held your hand, looked in your eyes, and listened to you. They listened to your past relationship woes, and really took interest in getting to know you.

Remember the second date?
Dinner was great, you even snuck a taste off of each others forks, and maybe even shared a desert. You took a long drive home, just so enjoy some last minute company.

After a few dates you really think, “this could be it..”
They really want to know you, ask all kinds of questions, really listen when you talk. They tell you how amazing you are, and how special you are. They tell you that you deserve the world.

Soon you realize that your hands for perfect, your body’s fit perfect when you hug, and you decide to take the next step; and it all feels right.

Next thing you know, your looking for apartments together, and can’t wait to sign your first lease.
And you finally find a place, but, it’s on the other side of town. But when you try to talk about maybe looking at other places, they make a good point- this is where they grew up, and they don’t want to leave. And, don’t you want to build a new life? So, why not a new place? Don’t new life’s deserve a new place to grow?

You convince yourself that they are right. And happily pack up your things, and move to the other side of town. But how are we going totaled Cate of this big place? It’s going to be really hard both working full time. And, they really would love to have a stay at home spouse. They tell you they would love to just take care of you, “you deserve a break from life, all the things you have been through. Let me take care of you for a change.”

A smile and a sigh, someone wants to do for you, what you have always done for everyone else!

A few Otha at home, and your loving it – reminds you of the old fashion love stories! A walk to anywhere you need to go, and you still have time to meet them at the door with iced tea after work.

But after a while, you move to your second home, and things have changed.

Something is off, and your not really sure what.

They don’t put their phone down, and when you want to go out with friends, they make up a reason you can’t. Not enough money, but plenty if you go out with them.

Then you do go out without them, with a new friend. You lost contact with all the others because you canceled so much, and your excited to have a new friend.

But you come home late, and, soon you realize that wasn’t a good idea.

His cold shoulder in bed, quickly turns into a hot temper. You try to talk away but he grabs you, mosses and gets a hand full of your bottoms, and rips them right from your body. You fear the worse and run for the bathroom, and try to shut the door. But he bounds in and closes the door behind him. Dares you to scream, but you don’t.

He picks you up by your jaw, and holds your face to look at him. You won’t be going out with her again, and you won’t ever lie to him again. And the bruises on your chin will remind you of that for the next few days.

Then, he is sorry. His face is guilt ridden, and he hates himself.

You can’t figure out what happened – something at work maybe? Maybe something with his parents?

You forgive him, and move on.

But then it happens again.

You find out he has been seeking out other women, and your heart broken and at a loss.

Haven’t you done everything to make him happy?

You left your family, your job, uprooted your child, and have followed all the rules he put in place. What did you do wrong?

You confront him, shaking out of fear. You don’t know how he will react, but your almost sure if you can make him see how amazing you have been, of you can remind him of how special he thought you were when you moved in together, then maybe he will stop, and say sorry. Maybe he will really work on being the man he was when you met him.

But that’s not how it went.

And that’s the day you realized, you were never leaving.